Tall Dark & Obnoxious

  Books by Elizabeth Reyes

  Desert Heat

  Defining Love

  Moreno Brothers Series

  Forever Mine

  Sweet Sofie

  Forever Yours

  When You Were Mine

  Always Been Mine

  Romero

  Making You Mine

  Tangled—A Moreno Brothers novella

  5th Street Series

  Noah

  Gio

  Hector

  Abel

  Felix

  Fate Series

  Fate

  Breaking Brandon

  Suspicious Minds

  Again

  Rage

  His to Guard

  Uninvited

  Boyle Heights Series

  Lila

  Beast

  Nine

  Looking Glass Series

  Girl in the Mirror

  We Were One

  TALL, DARK & OBNOXIOUS

  Elizabeth Reyes

  TALL, DARK & OBNOXIOUS

  Copyright © 2020 Elizabeth Reyes

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  All rights reserved. This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  Formatting by Theresa Wegand

  Table of Contents

  Episode ONE

  Episode TWO

  Episode THREE

  Episode FOUR

  Episode FIVE

  Episode SIX

  Episode SEVEN

  Episode EIGHT

  Episode NINE

  Conclusion

  Next up in the Boyle Heights Series!

  About the Author

  Episode ONE

  Pat

  Glancing down at her dinging phone, Pat made a point to frown. Her sister Bell was already smirking. Pat picked up the phone again, only this time she dumped it in her purse without reading the text.

  “Aren’t you gonna read it?”

  “No.” Pat picked up baby Romeo from his crib. “All that man ever wants to do is argue. He always has to get the last word in, too.”

  “What’s there to argue about?” Bell continued to smirk, even as she pulled the bedding off the baby’s crib. “And I didn’t realize you two texted this often.”

  “We don’t.” Pat lifted her chin. “It’s an isolated incident. Only reason he’s gone on and on today is because the only time I’d even chatted with him—here when you had that barbeque for Art—the subject of making tamales came up. I mentioned the shortcuts I’ve perfected that make the whole process that much easier. He asked if I could text him the recipe along with my shortcuts, so I agreed. No biggie.” Pat rolled her eyes as she lulled the baby in her arms. “If I’d known he was expecting me to walk him through the whole thing, I never would’ve.”

  “Max’s making tamales right now?”

  Pat’s phone dinged three times in a row. “Yes, and it’s why he’s been blowing up my phone. ‘Is the masa supposed to be so sticky? The cooking chile is making me and Manny cough up our lungs. Manny says he heard you were evil and you tricked us. The smoke alarm went off again. I’m down to two good fingers.’”

  Bell laughed as she put the clean bedding on the crib. “Aw, Pat. Don’t be mean. He’s probably in a pickle. Don’t ignore him. I’ve been on the phone non-stop with mom lots of times when I’ve made something I don’t cook often.”

  Pat shook her head defiantly. “Did you not hear the stuff he’s texting me? They’re not all questions. He’s giving me the blow-by-blow of everything he’s doing. I don’t have time to respond to every one of his nonsensical texts.”

  Putting the baby down in the crib when Bell motioned for her to, Pat remembered something. “Which reminds me I have to stop at the store still, so I think I’m gonna go now.”

  “Really? You can’t stay for dinner? I’m making caldo de res.”

  “Umm, sounds good.” Pat smiled. “But I’ll have to take a raincheck. I have some litigation papers I need to go over before I’m in court tomorrow.”

  Bell started to walk Pat out, after giving the baby a bottle. “Mommy’s walking auntie out,” Bell said to Amanda, who was on the sofa watching TV. “Just stay there until I get back in.”

  “No, don’t leave her alone,” Pat insisted hoping to keep Bell from walking her out. “I’m good.”

  “She’ll be fine,” Bell said, motioning Pat along.

  Pat had a feeling Bell was up to something. When they were far enough away from Bell’s parrot daughter, who repeated everything she heard, Pat got confirmation of what she’d been suspicious of.

  “You know Max is a really sweet guy.”

  “Bell—”

  “I’m just saying. He’s always reminded me of that actor mom likes so much.” She paused to think about it for a moment then snapped her fingers. “Guillermo Zapata, but in his younger years—” Bell stopped when Pat turned and gave her a look. “I mean younger as in his mid-forties. Zapata is in his fifties now, I think. Max isn’t that old. But not everything is about looks, right? Max is also hilarious and—”

  “You’re wasting your time, Bell.”

  “Why? I think you two would be great together.”

  “Excuse me?” Pat opened her car door, scowling at her sister. “The man is an incorrigible foul-mouthed owner of a topless bar. On what planet would we be great together?”

  “Okay.” Bell shrugged. “So, he’s a little rough around the edges. Romero was too when I first met him, remember? People can change.”

  Pat got in the car but rolled the passenger window down for Bell to hear her. “I hate to break it to you, Sissy. But your husband hasn’t changed since you first met him. He’s exactly the same, if not worse at times. You’re just too blinded by love to see it.”

  “So, you’re saying love can be blind?” Bell leaned over to get a better look at Pat, smiling big. “I’m just sayin’.”

  “And I’m saying stop wasting your breath. It’s not happening.”

  Pat started out the driveway, muttering under her breath even as she waved at her sister.

  “He’s only ten years older than you!”

  Pat mouthed the word stop before blowing her baby sis a kiss and driving away. Preposterous! As if she and that man could ever have anything in common. She’d give her sister that he wasn’t bad looking, though. If he weren’t so obnoxious, he could actually be an attractive man. But she didn’t know about the Guillermo Zapata comparison. Romero and his uncles were so foul-mouthed, Pat had always likened them to something out of Good Fellas. She’d heard enough stories about Max and Manny’s past that, despite the comedic acts she’d seen and heard so much of, she knew that, on top of their lack of decorum, they had a dark side. Maybe Bell could overlook Romero’s rough edges, but Pat refused to even consider opening that hairy can of worms.

  At the first red light, Pat gave into her curiosity and pulled her phone out of her purse. But only because it hadn’t stopped dinging every several minutes. She read the first few.

  Manny said fuck this shit, he’s ordering out.

  It’s Aida’s Bingo night and Manny just left to pick up his dinner. I’m on my own now.


  =(

  Down to one finger.

  Pat’s lips twitched almost giving way to a smile, but she quickly shook her head. She’d also give Bell that the man could make her chuckle. But then so did Bill Cosby back when and look how he turned out. The light turned green before she could read the rest.

  She was home sooner than she’d originally thought. The paperwork for her litigation tomorrow morning was more pressing than anything. It’s why she’d skipped the market and had gone straight home. After getting into her jammies, she sat down in her office with a glass of wine and began reading. Just a couple minutes into it, her phone dinged again. It was only then that she realized she hadn’t finished reading all the other texts Max had sent.

  Taking a deep breath, she clicked on her texts, questioning for the hundredth time why on earth she’d given this man her number. Not once did he ask why she wasn’t responding. Just kept sending one random comment after another. She scrolled through several, the corners of her lips twitching with each silly text she read until the last one.

  Manny’s calling bullshit on this recipe and that he’ll see you in court. ADM!

  Pat paused, wondering what the punchline was, and what those last three letters stood for, but nothing followed. Giving into curiosity, she responded but only with a couple of question marks. A few seconds after placing the phone back on her desk, it dinged again. She picked it up and gasped when she saw the photo of his heavyset brother smiling big for the camera with a very chipped front tooth and a caption.

  He’s on the phone with his attorney as we speak.

  Bringing her hand over her mouth, Pat examined the photo closer to see if they’d somehow photoshopped it, but it looked very real. He couldn’t be serious. The next texts he sent made her giggle, despite feeling bad about Manny’s tooth. They were back-to-back photos. One he labeled Expectations with a picture of a delish-looking tamale. The next labeled Reality had a photo of the most pathetic-looking, sloppy tamale Pat had ever seen.

  After giving in to an all-out giggle, she went back to the photo of Manny. She was still looking at an enlarged version when her screen lit up with Max’s name.

  He was calling her now.

  Clearing her throat, Pat lifted her chin, readying herself for a debate if he was seriously going to blame her for his brother’s chipped tooth. The second she hit the answer button she could hear the wheezing laughter in the background.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, you answered.” The phone was muffled momentarily, but she still heard what he said: “Shut up, she answered.”

  “Did he really chip his tooth?”

  “Yep.” He chuckled. “Didn’t think he could get any uglier, but you saw the picture.”

  Scrambling to remember if she’d noticed Manny having a chipped tooth before, she shook her head in disbelief. “You’re not serious. How could he chip it on a tamale?”

  “He bit one of the pits of the green olives I put in them. May as well have bit into a rock.”

  “Didn’t you warn him? I warned you about that.”

  “Yeah, I warned him, but the fat fuck still inhaled it like he hadn’t just eaten the burger special he bought.”

  “Well, he can’t blame or sue me for that.”

  “Sure, he can. Already put a call in to our cousin Vinny. You’re gonna fry, lady.”

  Feeling the smirk tuck at the corner of her lips again, Pat sat back. “Did you forget I’m also an attorney?”

  “No, but you don’t have what my cousin Vinny does.”

  “Oh yeah?” She sipped her wine, not sure why she was still entertaining this. “And what would that be?”

  “A lucky black leather jacket and hot girlfriend with a horrible Brooklyn accent.”

  Knowing she was being had now, Pat sat up, not sure if she should smile or be irritated by this nonsense. She was supposed to be getting work done. But she decided to counter his comment. “Judge would never let him stand before him in a black leather jacket.”

  “Why not?’

  “Because.” Feeling a little silly, she tried to remember the line exactly. “If he goes into a court looking like that, not only does he insult the judge, he insults the integrity of the courthouse.”

  “Patricia,” he said overly exaggerating the rolling of the r in her name as he always did, and Pat could hear the big grin in the one word. “You actually saw the movie, and you have lines memorized? I almost married you just now, girl.”

  She chuckled, despite the slight unease that last statement gave her. “My father was also an attorney,” she explained. “He was totally into watching courtroom movies, even the comedies. Made me watch them with him all the time. My Cousin Vinny was one of his favorites.” She cleared her throat, going back to the subject at hand. “Did Manny really chip his tooth or are you messing with me?”

  “He did,” Max insisted. “But I’ll tell you what. He said if you show me how to make some real tamales he won’t injure himself eating, he’ll let it go. Because now he’s craving some. But good ones.”

  “Yeah, not this bullshit.” Manny said in the background.

  Feeling her smile wane, Pat was already shaking her head. “I did show you—”

  “Nah, I’m a hands-on kind of guy. I gotta watch you make ’em.”

  Chuckling nervously, Pat shook her head adamantly. “I wouldn’t have the hand puppets, crayons, or patience to give you a hands-on explanation of the process.”

  “Hand puppets and crayons,” Max chuckled. “Good one. And here Moe said even alone you’re bad company.”

  “I beg your pard—”

  “Relax, I told him you’re not that bad.”

  “Well,” Pat huffed, rolling her eyes as she brought her glass of wine to her lips. “Thank you for that.”

  “You’re welcome. Now come on. My brother’s standing here looking like an inbred hick with those teeth. Least you could do is show me how to make him a real tamale.”

  “I haven’t actually made them in a long time—”

  “Good, you’ll get to practice while I learn. Say when. My schedule’s completely open.” Manny grumbled something in the background, even as she scrambled for a way out of this. “Shut up. I’m doing this for you. You don’t work weekends, right, Patricia?”

  “Well, no, but—”

  “Got plans this weekend?”

  Unable to sit anymore, Pat stood up. “Uh, no, but—”

  “You still at the same place we dropped off Mandy that one time?”

  Pacing the room, Pat brought her hand to her forehead. “Yeah.”

  “Perfect. I’ll buy all the stuff and meet you at you there Saturday around noon.”

  “Max—”

  “Listen. I gotta go,” he said as Manny cursed about something loudly in the background. “Aida’s gonna be home soon, and this kitchen looks like a crime scene. See you Saturday.”

  Unbelievably, the line clicked, and just like that, their conversation was over. She glanced down at her screen to confirm he’d hung up. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  Episode TWO

  Max

  Surprisingly, El Super didn’t carry much of a variety of fine wine. Max had everything he needed for the tamales in his cart, but the wine aisle consisted of two rows of cheap wine and the really cheap wine. Deciding, he better make another stop, he was able to find a bottle of the stuff Patricia was drinking at the barbecue.

  Manny had called him nuts for even thinking about bringing booze over to her place. Neither of them knew her that well, but over the years, they’d heard enough from Moe for Manny to come to his conclusion. “You’d probably have more luck lighting a match up her ass, than giving her booze to get that broad to lighten up.”

  Except the wine wasn’t to lighten her up. It was his way of thanking her. Since she was a wine drinker, he just figured she might appreciate the gesture. It’s not like this was a social visit. Sure, he thought her attractive enough. Alright more than just attractive. While h
e had the utmost respect for Moe’s wife Izzy, and he wouldn’t risk getting his head bitten off by saying it out loud, he’d always considered Izzy hot as fuck. He got why Moe could be so overprotective of her. And Patricia was a slightly older version of Izzy. It’s the first thing that’d come to mind when he’d first laid eyes on her.

  Max wasn’t even sure what he was doing here today. All he knew was that for months he’d been intrigued by her. The instances he’d seen and heard her stern personality only made getting on her good side an even more enticing challenge. He already knew he could make her laugh. But each time he’d see her at a gathering, and he’d struck up a conversation, they were always interrupted. He’d been trying for weeks to figure out how to get some time alone with her. So, when he finally got his shot, he went for it. But he still wasn’t sure what he was hoping for. He’d never done the relationship thing, and he sure as fuck had heard enough about her to know she wouldn’t be an easy lay. But he did want to learn to make tamales, and he was already here, so fuck it.

  Shaking off the tiniest bit of nerves, he rang her doorbell. For a moment, he wondered if maybe she’d stood him up because no one came to the door. Then there it was. The knob jiggled, then the door opened, and there she was. She stood there for a moment, looking a bit unsure and vulnerable, so unlike how Moe described her hard ass all this time. Funny, Max didn’t remember her looking this . . . sweet, either.

  Swallowing hard, he smiled, motioning to the bag of groceries he carried. “I figured the pork ones might take too long to make, so I just bought stuff to make the rajas ones.”

  “Good thinking.” She opened the door, letting him in as she spun around, and Max followed her into the kitchen. “Because I really hadn’t planned on spending my entire day off cooking.”

  “I’ll be doing the cooking. You’ll just point me the right direction.” He pulled the bottle of wine out of the bag. “I brought you this as a token of my gratitude. You can drink while I cook.”

  Patricia peered at him suspiciously. “How very thoughtful of you, Max.”